Variant Zombies

•July 15, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Plumber Zombies

Drains

And the living call us mindless? If that is the best they can come up with, them I am gravely afeared that we are in for a famine of edible brains.

Plumbers though, best not to eat their brains. Their minds are invariably in the gutters.

Hur hur.

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Mr Zombie Twitters

•July 15, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Mr Zombie has returned from a light snack of Postman Brian’s Brains. Not exactly the sharpest of wits, but then again anyone who willing gets bitten by dogs every day is a few cards short of a deck.

Mr Zombie is pleased to announce he has joined the wonderful medium of Twitter, in search of rich, tasty new brains and….oh, who am I kidding. Not going to find that there, just a lot of empty minds mesmerised by the next inane comment that comes across their screen from some random person on the far side of the world bleating on about toenails or tofu or termites. Really, I despair about finding anyone decent to eat nowadays.

But all the little zomblings are welcome to follow Mr Zombie @MrZombieBlogger. Maybe one of you may prove worthy of a nibble.

Mr Zombie’s Holiday

•July 15, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Hello morsels, er mortals.  Aren’t you all looking delicious today.

Mr Zombie is back from his holidays.

Did I say holidays?

Alas, it has been more serious that that. You see, Mr Zombie has been in hiding, so to speak and is only just know (figuratively) sticking his head out to see whether it won’t (literally) get loped off.

You see, the whole problem began when some mug decided to release a book called Pride and Prejudice…and Zombies. Way to spoil a good horror story.

Normally i don’t bother with society girls – their brains are so full of drivel; hats and fashions, dances and balls and who is marrying who, Mister D’arcy this and Mister Bingley that, blah blah, blah de blah. Worse, they expect you to take an interest as well. Frankly, it’d drive anyone to hang themselves, and given the lack of breathing going on, that is an exercise in futility, let me tell you.

But now these girls are taking it into their pretty little minds to take up swords, learn ninjitsu and actively go hunting down zombies. It was a terrible turn of events, and I lost some good friends as well. Well, not friend per se, but people who would at least share a bit of cerebellum at the pub with you.

Hopefully it is safe to come out of hiding again. Even if it is not, I was down to the emergency stock of brains. It was either eat the brains of car salesmen or be decapitated. I’d rather loose my head, thank you very much.

Must shamble – postman is coming. Not my normal fare, but it’ll do in a pinch

Beginnings Part Four

•April 1, 2009 • Leave a Comment

March 26th, 2006

Ate doctor

Something may be wrong.

Variant Zombies

•March 30, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Twitcher Zombies

Craaaaanes

Twitchers are a rare breed of ultra-obsessive bird watchers.  Now, I like birds as much as the next sentient, though their brains are hardly nourishing, but twitchers are something else.

Twitchers though, their brains make for an interesting taste – a sharp, strong, highly centralised flavour in one locale whilst the rest is delicately unflavoured.

Beginnings Part Three

•March 28, 2009 • Leave a Comment

And now a further extract from my journal of the time I became a zombie.

March 25th, 2006

Getting worse.  Brain on fire.

Hard to think.

Saw self in mirror.

Very pallid.  Eyes red.  Drawn.

Difficulty walking.

Must see doctor.

And so the following day I was off to see the doctor.

Mr Zombie Reviews: Vampires

•March 26, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Warning; this review comes with a full on zombie-rage.  You have been warned.

As a note of advice, for free, because that is the kind of zombie I am, don’t eat vampire brains.

I did so the other day and it was amongst the most depressing experiences of my unlife.  I was up all night bemoaning the cruel fate the cruel word had inflicted on me, then attempted to slash my wrist.

Spent most of the next day sewing my arm back on.

I really don’t understand what these vampires have to complain about.  They remind me of celebrities with their multi-bazillion dollar fortunes, massive houses, flunkies pandering to their every whim, fleets of cars and private jets and immaculately sculptured bodies complaining about how unfair life is.

What do vampires have to complain about?  They are nigh immortal, super strong and super fast, difficult to kill at the best of times, more often than not in positions of power and wealth, and when was the last time you saw an ugly vampire?  Is it something in the turning process, or do they only pick impossibly beautiful people to turn?  Whats more they have all these nubile young things throwing themselves at them, begging for them to use their tender, pliable young bodies.

And yet they whinge and moan and bitch and complain about how all unfair life is to them.

Oi, Mr Twinkles!  Try being a zombie.  When was the last time someone begged us to eat their brains?

I have one thing to say to you sparkles.  Harden up sunshine.

Oops, did I mention the sun word?  Yeah, that great big ball of ultraviolent light.  Guess what Sparkles, I can go out in it.  You can’t.  Get over it.

What is worse is the way they seem to have taken over the media and are being given favourable coverage.

Let me spell it out for you in three easy letters peoples.  B. A. D.  Vampires are baaaaad.  Vicious, soulless, evil, bloodsucking monsters.

Somehow of late these creatures have received a nicer, softer image, all peace and light and bloodsucking.  Did I mention the bloodsucking?

Honestly, it would make me gag if I could.

Of course, here I am referring to the younger generation of emo, hippie peacenik tosser vampires who have sold out.

Not so the old school vampires.  Sure, they could be charming, and debonair and suave but they never forgot, and never let you forget that they were soulless evil monsters, and they reveled in it.

Why are the younger generation ashamed of what they are?  Be proud of who you are – you don’t see me moping about how hard life is as a zombie, do you?

So get over yourselves, harden up and return to that which makes you, you – pure evil.

Oh, yes.  Review time.  Out of Five Brains I give;

New Age Emo Vampires – 1/2 Brain, and that is being generous.

Old School Pure Evil Vampires – 4 Brains.