Canadian Professor Plots Zombie Genocide

Just when it would appear zombies might be gaining some signs of acceptance, along comes another contender to lay the boot it. This time it is much worse though.

Professor Robert Smith? (and yes, that question mark is part of his name) has recently released a study on zombies. He states;

Human-zombie coexistence is impossible… Since all eigenvalues of the doomsday equilibrium are negative, it is asymptotically stable. It follows that, in a short outbreak, zombies will likely infect everyone.

And he says it like it is a bad thing? But in reality, I am quite happy to coexist with the living, as long as they provide me with a few juicy brains. That is not too much to ask.

But wait, it gets worse. His conclusion?

An outbreak of zombies infecting humans is likely to be disastrous, unless extremely aggressive tactics are employed against the undead… In summary, a zombie outbreak is likely to lead to the collapse of civilisation, unless it is dealt with quickly… the most effective way to contain the rise of the undead is to hit hard and hit often… Only sufficiently frequent attacks, with increasing force, will result in eradication, assuming the available resources can be mustered in time.

Yes, that is correct. He proposes genocide against the poor recently returned. What a terrible thing to suggest.

Frankly, I think it isn’t zombies we should worry about, but Canadians, eh? Especially Canadian professors. So, my fellow zombling, I suggest we go forth and devour their brains with extreme prejudice. After all, all is fair in the zombie war.

If any are vaguely interested, the actual paper can be found here, in PDF form.

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~ by qorvus on August 27, 2009.

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