Mr Zombie Reviews: Vampires
Warning; this review comes with a full on zombie-rage. You have been warned.
As a note of advice, for free, because that is the kind of zombie I am, don’t eat vampire brains.
I did so the other day and it was amongst the most depressing experiences of my unlife. I was up all night bemoaning the cruel fate the cruel word had inflicted on me, then attempted to slash my wrist.
Spent most of the next day sewing my arm back on.
I really don’t understand what these vampires have to complain about. They remind me of celebrities with their multi-bazillion dollar fortunes, massive houses, flunkies pandering to their every whim, fleets of cars and private jets and immaculately sculptured bodies complaining about how unfair life is.
What do vampires have to complain about? They are nigh immortal, super strong and super fast, difficult to kill at the best of times, more often than not in positions of power and wealth, and when was the last time you saw an ugly vampire? Is it something in the turning process, or do they only pick impossibly beautiful people to turn? Whats more they have all these nubile young things throwing themselves at them, begging for them to use their tender, pliable young bodies.
And yet they whinge and moan and bitch and complain about how all unfair life is to them.
Oi, Mr Twinkles! Try being a zombie. When was the last time someone begged us to eat their brains?
I have one thing to say to you sparkles. Harden up sunshine.
Oops, did I mention the sun word? Yeah, that great big ball of ultraviolent light. Guess what Sparkles, I can go out in it. You can’t. Get over it.
What is worse is the way they seem to have taken over the media and are being given favourable coverage.
Let me spell it out for you in three easy letters peoples. B. A. D. Vampires are baaaaad. Vicious, soulless, evil, bloodsucking monsters.
Somehow of late these creatures have received a nicer, softer image, all peace and light and bloodsucking. Did I mention the bloodsucking?
Honestly, it would make me gag if I could.
Of course, here I am referring to the younger generation of emo, hippie peacenik tosser vampires who have sold out.
Not so the old school vampires. Sure, they could be charming, and debonair and suave but they never forgot, and never let you forget that they were soulless evil monsters, and they reveled in it.
Why are the younger generation ashamed of what they are? Be proud of who you are – you don’t see me moping about how hard life is as a zombie, do you?
So get over yourselves, harden up and return to that which makes you, you – pure evil.
Oh, yes. Review time. Out of Five Brains I give;
New Age Emo Vampires – 1/2 Brain, and that is being generous.
Old School Pure Evil Vampires – 4 Brains.
Zombie Blogger 