Variant Zombies

•August 31, 2009 • 1 Comment

Shooter Zombies

Aaaaaims

Many zombies have first hand knowledge of projectile weapons; guns, crossbows, flamethrowers, javelins, vinyl records and anything else that can be projected at high velocity. Sadly it is generally on the receiving end of said projectiles.

Equipping zombies with guns would certainly come as a surprise to those drunken yobbos who are so used to blazing away at poor zombies shambling towards them. Hah, I’d like to see the expression on their face when a zombie pops up and blasts them away.

Word of advice; if you do plan to shoot a hunter, don’t shoot the brain.

Surprisingly, a hunter’s brain is quite tasty. They come pre-marinated, the hunter having soused himself on hard-liqueur previously, and there is a strong taste due to a diet rich in red meats.

Zombies have a number of advantages when it comes to using guns. They don’t need to sleep, eat or breath and so make excellent snipers. The downside of course is poor eyesight, a tendency for the kick of the gun to rip an arm off and the habit of scavengers coming along and doing away with your leg while you are patiently waiting for a victim. There is nothing more embarrassing than having to hop after a dog who has taken off down the street with your leg in its mouth.

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Canadian Professor Plots Zombie Genocide

•August 27, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Just when it would appear zombies might be gaining some signs of acceptance, along comes another contender to lay the boot it. This time it is much worse though.

Professor Robert Smith? (and yes, that question mark is part of his name) has recently released a study on zombies. He states;

Human-zombie coexistence is impossible… Since all eigenvalues of the doomsday equilibrium are negative, it is asymptotically stable. It follows that, in a short outbreak, zombies will likely infect everyone.

And he says it like it is a bad thing? But in reality, I am quite happy to coexist with the living, as long as they provide me with a few juicy brains. That is not too much to ask.

But wait, it gets worse. His conclusion?

An outbreak of zombies infecting humans is likely to be disastrous, unless extremely aggressive tactics are employed against the undead… In summary, a zombie outbreak is likely to lead to the collapse of civilisation, unless it is dealt with quickly… the most effective way to contain the rise of the undead is to hit hard and hit often… Only sufficiently frequent attacks, with increasing force, will result in eradication, assuming the available resources can be mustered in time.

Yes, that is correct. He proposes genocide against the poor recently returned. What a terrible thing to suggest.

Frankly, I think it isn’t zombies we should worry about, but Canadians, eh? Especially Canadian professors. So, my fellow zombling, I suggest we go forth and devour their brains with extreme prejudice. After all, all is fair in the zombie war.

If any are vaguely interested, the actual paper can be found here, in PDF form.

Variant Zombies

•August 13, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Construction Worker Zombies

Craaaaaanes

No, I haven’t used that one before. I used cranes, the birds, not cranes, the machinery.

English is full of things like this, a legacy of its tendency to mug other languages in dark alleys and knick the bits it considers useful.

There are words that are written the same, but sound different.

Just consider ough. It can be pronounced multiple ways; enough, through, dough, bough for example.

Then there is ghoti, which, if viewed in a certain light, can be pronounced fish.

Some words are written the same and sound the same but have different meanings. The most striking example of this is cleave, which can mean, alternatively, to separate or to join together.

English is a grand old language, but it can be a mite confusing at times for those trying to learn it.

Beginnings Part Six

•August 13, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Once more into the journal dear friends.

March 29th

Cops brought in a lawyer to speak with me.

Ate lawyer’s brains.

Cops were sympathetic, but told me they’d still have to charge me for his murder.

Asked how many lawyers I’d have to eat to get the charges dropped.

Not sure they were joking when they said ‘All of them.’

I have to say that was amongst one of the worst experienced of my life – or unlife.

Eating a lawyer’s brain is like being drunk, but with none of the fun stuff that goes along with it. For day’s afterwards I was contrary, argumentative, couldn’t see straight or walk straight. I had a tendency to try and walk at angles and in corkscrews.

Given the choice, I’d eat a plumbers brain over that of a lawyers. In fact I’d rather starve than go through that again.

Variant Zombies

•August 12, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Fake Zombies

Feigns

Beware the false zombie, for they seek to destroy the good name of Zombie. Seek them out and devour their very brains. Show them the true power of Zombiekind.

Mr Zombie Reviews: Reality TV

•August 11, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Mister Zombie is on the warpath, so to speak. What has gotten him all riled up today? Reality TV.

There has been a great horror unleashed on the world, a horror that is threatening every current zombie and every zombling to come.

No, it is not some new super weapon or infamous zombie hunter. This horror is reality TV.

Zombies want brains. Zombies need brains. However the stock of worth while brains is rapidly declining, threatening every zombie out there. No brains and zombies starve. There is something worse though; trying to survive on substandard brains.

You just have to look to the past, to the time of the 60’s when man went to the moon with slide rules and computers with less power than a modern wristwatch. Now there was a time to be a zombie, with brains fit to bursting with ideas and intelligence, and such delicacies to devour. There are some gourmets who still have samples of NASA scientists brains circa 1969. Just a sliver will set you back a whole lot, but the taste sensations is unlike anything, like rockets exploding on your taste buds.

Then it all started to go wrong and now we are dealing with reality TV. At first it was an amusing gimmick, but now it just goes on and on and on and on with stranger and stupider ideas. And people keep watching them as their brains atrophy, deteriorate, degenerate and waste away until they are such a bland and unused mass they are not worth the effort of eating – the zombie equivalent of celery.

We must fight this disease that rots the brains of humans. Should humanity degenerate much further then there is no hope for we zombies. We must encourage them to turn off those inane shows and at least attempt to spark some intellectual responses in their under-used minds; get them reading books – and decent books too – or anything else that may spur something resembling thoughts.

It is not for them we do this, but for ourselves; a world filled with bland tasteless brains is a horror not worth contemplating. If it continues on the way it is going I shall be forced to breed dolphins to increase their intelligence – most are smarter than your average human nowadays anyway.

Beginnings Part Five

•July 16, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Now, where were we?

Ah, yes. Of course. The journal. The story of my life. Or death as the case may be.

March 28th, 2006

Arrested.

Apparently eating the doctor’s brains was against the law.

Who knew?

Let this be a lesson to all the zomblings out there – if you are going to eat a brain then don’t get caught.

Unless you have a thing for the brains of policemen.